What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Publish Your First Book

You’ve got to give it a name and this name says a lot about you. So, you need the name to really stand out. You know that everybody will have an opinion about it and that this name will either increase or decrease your book’s chances at success. It’s probably the most important decision you’ll ever make. You research the most successful titles of all time. You consider maybe using alliteration.

You need drugs. Think: weed, nicotine (just the gum), alcohol (a little wine probably won’t hurt). Diet Coke. This thing will have to be medically induced.

It’s a miracle. You’re a miracle. This came from you. It’s like you’re God or something.

You carry this precious miracle inside of you and talk about it incessantly. You’re an author now and that becomes your entire identity. This is what will finally launch you into the next (better) phase of life. Your clothes should change. You’re a role model now.

You read a bunch of books on how to do it right.

There’s a whole announcement that’s got to go out. Everybody is, like, “Who isn’t writing a book these days? Everybody’s writing a book! I guess we’re just at that age now.”

You gain somewhere between twenty-five and thirty-five pounds. You experience mood swings and start wearing sweats while not exercising. Your hair begins to fall out. Actually, you’re pulling it out. You lose sleep. Your manuscript is suddenly overdue.

There’s a lot of screaming and crying.

You share your book with the world and no one cares except for your own mother.

Everybody wants a sniff of that new-book smell.

You love it unconditionally, despite strangers calling it “underdeveloped.”

Once the book’s out there in the world, you have no control. You realize how much it’s actually costing you. There’s a strong chance that it will destroy your relationship. You should have got way too into running instead.

People say, “You look exhausted,” and “Make sure you enjoy every minute,” and “When’s the next one coming?!”

You forget the pain and do it again.

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