Reported Problems with Santa’s New Tesla Sleigh

Facial recognition for sleigh ignition is unable to recognize Santa consistently through beard and hat.

Range is a little less than four hundred miles. Nearest village to the North Pole is about eight hundred miles away.

“Frunk” full of presents keeps catching fire.

Reindeer have begun to protest what they believe to be unlawful termination. Santa disagrees—insists that he doesn’t “need those weird little horses anymore.”

Rudolph is suing for I.P.—believes red-nose technology was plagiarized.

Mrs. Claus has surprisingly widespread investments in fossil-fuel companies, and keeps trying to sabotage the Tesla sleigh.

Santa dangerously distracted by sleigh’s touch-screen gaming console.

Sleigh auto-parks while Santa is inside each house putting presents under the tree. When he exits via the chimney, he has no idea where the sleigh is.

Self-driving system keeps trying to take Santa’s sleigh on the highway.

Internal sleigh navigation won’t synch with the “naughty” or “nice” lists.

Santa inexplicably builds tunnel for sleigh, claiming “tunnels are faster than the air.”

Tunnel collapses. Santa blames “the libs.”

Elves assigned to sleigh repair report inhumane working conditions, vote to unionize. Santa declares, “I’ll just fucking do it myself,” and fires entire staff.

Santa unable to “just fucking do it” himself. Attempts to rehire recently fired elves.

Sleigh too tall, sensors unable to recognize elves or children. Sleigh is recalled owing to safety concerns.

Santa is forced to liquidate most North Pole assets to pay for updated sleigh model.

A frustrated Santa shouts, “Merry Christmas to only some of you!” as sleigh flies across the sky. Christmas stock plummets to all-time low.

Someone impersonates Santa’s sleigh on Twitter and convinces millions of people that Christmas has been cancelled.

Charging station at North Pole far too cold to function—sleigh unable to start. Santa’s mittens prevent use of touch screen, V.R. reins, and door handles.

Sleigh just exploded. ♦

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