Dick Cheney Offers to Shoot Down Future Balloons

JACKSON HOLE (The Borowitz Report)—Demonstrating his commitment to keeping America secure, former Vice-President Dick Cheney has offered to shoot down all future balloons that venture into U.S. airspace.

“I haven’t touched my hunting rifle in a few years, but handling a gun is like riding a bicycle,” he said. “You just pick it up, and, blammo!”

Cheney said that he was prepared to watch the skies for foreign balloons and, the moment he spots one, “I’ll use my patented hunting technique: aim, squint, fire.”

The former Vice-President said that he was honored to take part in a geopolitical struggle he called the War on Inflatables.

“Either you’re with us, or you’re with the balloons,” he said.

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