Kindly Return My Client’s Sweatshirt

Dear Ms. Blackwell,

First, let me state that Mr. Porter wishes you well. I represent his interests regarding one “Dance Maniac” sweatshirt. The item is a sleeveless fuchsia hoodie, taken from his home without written or verbal permission, on February 15, 2017. The front reads “Dance Maniac” in the Google font known as “Lobster.” The back features clip art of a disco ball.

The honorary title of “Dance Maniac” is awarded at each performance of “Dance Dance Autocracy,” an Off Off Broadway show that encourages audience participation. In this fantastical drama, only humanity’s smoothest moves can thwart an uptight alien A.I. As an amateur break-dancer, Mr. Porter completed a windmill-to-headspin maneuver before a packed audience. The m.c., Captain Boogie Revolution, rewarded Mr. Porter with the fuchsia hoodie and declared him Earth’s grooviest warrior.

In short, Mr. Porter is the titular “Dance Maniac,” making the garment his by right. Kindly send the item—undamaged and dry-cleaned—to 383 Fourth Avenue, Brooklyn, New York, and we can keep this simple matter out of court. Thank you for your quick and complete compliance, and happy holidays.

Sincerely,

Jay Martin, Esq.

Martin & Rhys Associates


Dear Ms. Blackwell,

That sort of language, beyond being wholly unprofessional, solves nothing. My mother has no bearing on Mr. Porter’s property, which remains stolen.

There is ample evidence: Mr. Porter compiled multiple Instagram screenshots featuring you in the “Dance Maniac” sweatshirt. You wore it on the Fun Wheel at Bongo’s Playland. It’s tied around your waist at the Tunnel of Love. You even wore it on the log flume, soaking its fibres and decreasing its long-term value.

Since our last interaction, I’ve reached out to Big Beat Productions, the creative team behind “Dance Dance Autocracy.” They’ve generously provided video of their February 14, 2017 performance, in which Mr. Porter can be seen winning, claiming, and donning the item in question. I’ve attached a link below.

If you fail to act by Friday, I will file a writ of replevin on Mr. Porter’s behalf. You only stand to lose money, face, and a clean legal record by withholding Mr. Porter’s hoodie.

Sincerely,

Jay Martin, Esq.

Martin & Rhys Associates


Dear Ms. Blackwell,

There seems to have been a mix-up. Although I received a package from your business address, it did not contain a sleeveless “Dance Maniac” hoodie, or any clothing at all. It instead held a jar of rotten shrimp, as well as a drawing that I refuse to describe.

Please advise. Did you intend to send someone else rotting seafood, and Mr. Porter his property? Otherwise, I can only assume that you wanted to test Mr. Porter’s generous patience. If I receive more silence or food waste, I’ll be forced to file the writ.

Sincerely,

Jay Martin, Esq.

Martin & Rhys Associates


Dear Mrs. Blackwell,

Congratulations on your nuptials. As a newly married woman, you neither need nor desire Mr. Porter’s sweatshirt, I’m sure. It’s time that you set us all free.

Mr. Porter would like to remind you that New York State ruled in his favor and ordered that you return the “Dance Maniac” sweatshirt. Please comply so that I can stop dreading my job.

Between you and me, if the sweatshirt were to disappear, this would all be over. It could fall onto a pile of lit matches, next to an industrial shredder. Accidents happen.

Consider all of your options.

Sincerely,

Jay Martin, Esq.

Martin Legal Services


Dear Mrs. Blackwell,

As you may be aware, Mr. Porter has passed on. His estate, however, retains its claim on the sweatshirt, backed by rulings in New York, Pennsylvania, and multiple subreddits. His will specifically demands that his executor (myself) and next of kin (disinterested) pursue the item. So here we are.

Remember that jar? Good times. After disinfecting it, I kept it around my office for a laugh. It reminds me of a time in my career when anything seemed possible. I never imagined having kids, going gray, or chasing the same mass-produced novelty sweatshirt for twenty years.

In short, I get it. A little. Please send the stupid sweatshirt.

Sincerely,

Jay Martin, Esq.

Martin & Son Legal Services


Dear. Mr. Blackwell,

My condolences on the passing of your mother. She was a worthy opponent.

She held onto my client’s “Dance Maniac” sweatshirt for decades after their informal, contentious, and short romantic liaison. He pursued said sweatshirt over a period three times the length of his combined marriages. And I’ve been along for the whole ride, charging by the hour.

I’ve had decades to reflect on this case. I suppose that your mother enjoyed a token of a past love. And my client, in a haze of infantile spite, wanted to withdraw that keepsake. It sounds like madness but, as my golden years tick away, I finally see the logic.

The secret to longevity? Stubbornness. Please ship Mr. Porter’s fuchsia “Dance Maniac” sweatshirt to our offices at your earliest convenience. I’ve filed a new writ.

Sincerely,

Jay Martin, Esq.

Martin International ♦

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