This Cleanser Banished My Acne for Good (and for Evil)

I’ve tried everything to get rid of my lifelong acne, from special diets to pricey facials. So, when a strong northerly wind blew a frayed piece of parchment through my window inscribed with tales of a mystical tonic called Exorzits, I figured, Why not give it a shot? Here’s how it went:


First off, Exorzits is definitely a splurge. A one-ounce bottle cost me five payments of $19.99, plus my soul. To top it all off, I had to trek all the way to Hell to pick it up, which was a real slog.


I’m a sucker for good packaging, so I was a little disappointed that the cleanser came in a plain glass bottle wrapped in an agèd scroll. Once unfurled, it simply read, “Use daily until the Earthly realm is ruled by daemons and the rivers run red with blood. Apply liberally.”


So, was it worth the 666,666-mile trek to the fiery Underworld? Absolutely.

This stuff works. After just one use of Exorzits, my acne vanished overnight. The only trace of its former existence was an oily trail leading from my pillow to my living-room window, which was smashed from the inside.

My curiosity piqued, I followed the greasy residue all the way to the haunted forest just outside city limits. Binoculars in hand, I hid behind a log and scanned the horizon. Finally, I spotted them.

Camouflaged in leaves and tinted moisturizer, my zits were ritualistically practicing death spells on cardboard cutouts of me, striking each one squarely in the T-zone. They had impressive hand-eye coördination, despite having neither hands nor eyes.

I managed to escape to a local Sephora where, for the first time ever, I felt confident enough to look at my reflection in one of those magnifying mirrors. Seriously, this cleanser is a game changer!

Side Effects

Now, I’m not naïve. I know that all products, even miracle ones like Exorzits, have side effects. For example, this cleanser imbues pimples with a conscious mind and wrathful spirit, compelling them to destroy their creator in a grisly bloodbath of unfathomable agony. It also dries out your skin a little.

Over-all Thoughts

Today, when I look in the mirror at my flawless complexion, I think, Wow, is that really me? I also think, Did something small, round, and ghastly just dart behind my shower curtain?

I used to spend hours researching skin-care treatments. Now I can use that time for other activities, like watching movies, caressing my incredibly smooth skin, and setting sticky traps made of pimple patches in a futile attempt to buy myself more time on this mortal plane.

Today, I caught a zit in my pimple trap and made a final endeavor to broker a deal for peace. But, as I slowly lowered the zit into a pool of salicylic acid, it merely cackled fiendishly and tried to bite me, despite having no mouth.


When I first used this cleanser, I could not stop singing its praises. Now I sit in silence. It helps me hear the ghoulish shrieking of the infernal zits. They’re coming for me.

I’m giving this product four out of five stars because, while it gave me clear skin, the zits have blasted open a portal to Hell underneath my area rug, and the Devil himself is here to drag me down to the fiery pits for all eternity. And because the nozzle on the bottle sometimes gets stuck, which is a pain. ♦

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *