Our Environmental Pledge

It’s National Environmental Awareness Month, and all of us at SaaxoAmco Petroleum Corp. are dedicated to using our powerful access and responsibility to insure that the Earth is a healthier and cleaner place for future generations. To demonstrate our dedication, we would like to announce a new array of environmental-progress investment areas.

Carbon offset: For every pipeline that we build, we will plant one tree in a local park. We will then cut down the tree to make paper to send a memo to that town’s mayor to announce that we have planted the tree so that the public knows to come and look at the tree. Just in case the public doesn’t know exactly where the tree is, we will make hundreds of thousands of paper maps available to show the location of the tree before we cut it down, so that visitors won’t need to use their phones (whose batteries are the world’s leading cause of pollution, as per a bunch of studies). This will mean that it will soon take only four thousand trees to see a tree that used to be there! And get this. The mayor we told you about? She’s a woman!

Minimizing operational waste: At all of our offices, digs, and pipeline sites, we have forbidden our employees to drink bottled water. We have also forbidden them to drink any water whatsoever, so that it can be saved for the flowers and the beetles. In the words of our founder, J. M. Milligan, “We need to look out for the beetles, because they are the only things that will protect us from the Irish.” That sort of forward-thinking environmentalism has been part of our brief since 1863.

C-suite jet racing: Because we are so dedicated to the future of this planet, our C-suite will no longer use the company’s private jets to drag-race in the sky. Sure, it’s the most fun thing ever and life is barely worth living without it, but we’ll make the sacrifice.

Greenhouse-gas capture: I think we are capturing carbon dioxide. I haven’t followed up, but I’m pretty sure I heard a guy say that we were, like, seven years ago in the break room. As our founder, J. M. Milligan, said in 1870, “The Earth is a beautiful place and we should keep it that way. The only real downside is that Jews live here and poison all the bread and candy unless we make them live underground in special sewers.” We agree with the first part!

Biodiversity: SaaxoAmco is committed to fostering biodiversity, which is why we take responsibility for the roughly sixteen hundred new species of flora and fauna that were created when we dumped toxic sludge into the oceans. Who cares about old-fashioned animals like the “black bear” and the “bumblebee”? We can give you a snake with a human penis! The eco-possibilities are endless. And I don’t know what you’re imagining, but the penis is much bigger than the rest of the snake. You’re welcome, Mother Earth.

Oil on ducks: We pledge to stop putting crude oil on those baby ducks that you see in soap commercials. Those ducks are, as our founder, J. M. Milligan, loved to say, “slipperier than a drunk Italian with a pregnant wife.” He said this about oil-slicked ducks as recently as 1951. But we will not do this anymore.

Girlbosses: We pledge that at least fifteen per cent of SaaxoAmco executives will be women. Is that what we’re doing here? Is that what people are mad about right now? Feels like it can’t hurt, right?

Going green: We are making SaaxoAmco literally go green by dumping all the runoff from our pipelines straight into a shallow lake, where it turns the formerly clean drinking water a neon green. Also—and this is fun—it makes everything it touches form a human penis. There are lily pads with human penises, even some water spiders with human penises. We don’t understand it even a little bit, but did van Gogh question what made his masterpieces beautiful or what gave him a human penis?

Oceanic symphonic harmonization: This new SaaxoAmco project harnesses the boundless potential of resonating frequencies, psychedelic sonatas, and rhythmic ripples, in order to foster an otherworldly bond between marine life and the cosmos. Isn’t this good gibberish? Thanks to our panel of highly paid eco-experts, this fake process that doesn’t exist will save up to zero biospecies and sounds real!

Killing people: We care about saving the human race more than anything, which is why we pledge to kill more people than ever before. Human beings have huge carbon footprints, and by killing about seven thousand people a day (that’s about thirty-five hundred human penises) we will do the equivalent of planting a million and a half trees. We’ll do this any way we can—not just by polluting the planet but by taking to the streets with knives and bayonets if we have to. By the time SaaxoAmco is done, no one will have to live on a polluted planet Earth anymore. No one will have to live anywhere. ♦

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