U.F.C. Fighter on How to Protect Yourself from Being Swept Off Your Feet

What’s up, jamokes! It’s Daryl (Death Grip) Daley, the baddest U.F.C. fighter in this goddam town. A little bit about me: I like punching people, and also kicking them. It feels weird being in print, ’cause I’m not a big reader, but I did once smack a guy with a Dean Koontz book.

Let me tell ya, there’s a reason they call it “falling” in love. Because, when you’re falling, you’re losing. I got in the octagon with love once and crawled out with a stomped heart.

At first, my connection with Megan was stronger than a thousand ass-whippings, which is my go-to unit of measurement for everything. But then she put my trust in a choke hold by going three rounds with Giancarlo on my mattress! They busted the coils, and now it sags in the middle.

Falling for a soulmate puts you wildly off balance, so, if you don’t hammerfist your emotions, you’ll be head over heels, taking hit after hit of dopamine until you’re blissed out. But don’t worry. Death Grip is here with a few basic moves to keep from getting K.O.’d by love.

The Takedown-a-Peg: When done right, peg-takedowns give you the leverage to pelt your suitor with a flurry of harsh truths. First, pop their ego with a few jabs about how you’re out of their league. Everyone wants the quick knockout, but working the body shame saps their self-esteem over time, leaving them open for a devastating blow to their sense of sexual prowess.

The Hard Pass: A hard pass redirects a suitor’s love and turns it into hate. There are countless variations, from saying their breath stinks to calling their car trash. This cuts extra deep when they’re driving a Kia Soul, which is objectively just a dog-shit ride. The hard pass is especially effective when paired with a refusal to look up from your phone or a disdainful loogie hock.

The Endearment Extinguisher: When someone takes a swing at running game on you, their pride is exposed, which leaves an opening to tell them they’re corny. This verbal strike will shatter their confidence and leave them coughing up excuses about why they didn’t want your ugly ass anyway.

The Eye Gouge: The eye gouge prevents love at first sight by ending their sight. This is why the Three Stooges never got laid.

Obviously, you should avoid potential mates, but sometimes flirts can’t be avoided. In a pinch, these moves can stop anyone from getting close enough to see the real you. Stay strong out there. And I miss you, Megan, please come back. I can change. I will change. I don’t care about the coils. I’ll get a stronger bed! ♦

This is drawn from “Life Wants You Dead: A Calm, Rational, and Totally Legit Guide to Scaring Yourself Safe.”

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