Horoscopes Written by My Mother

Aquarius
Your zodiac alignment this month is governed by Venus, the planet of intuition, something my daughter Bess seems to lack. Perhaps if she weren’t an air sign she would see a pulmonologist about her goddam cough before she bursts a blood vessel in her eye. It sounds like bronchitis, which can turn into pneumonia if you don’t stay on top of it. While she’s at it, she should see an allergist, too. It could be all the dust in her apartment from those horrible sea-grass carpets that were so trendy about three years ago and now make the place look like a West Elm took over a Tommy Bahama.

Leo
With Saturn rising in your heart chakra, you might feel the astrological pull of stubbornness in your sixth house. Like when Bess was in labor and waited thirteen hours before she got the epidural. That poor anesthesiologist—she sent him away twice before admitting to herself and everyone within a five-mile radius of Mt. Sinai that she needed the drugs. Why try to be a hero? This is a girl who acts like she’s been to war if she gets a middle seat on a five-hour flight.

Aries
Your Virgo full moon is leaving you feeling unmoored this month, and the planetary pull of Mercury is interfering with your sense of purpose. Now is the perfect time to heed that warning, just like how Bess should absolutely see a dermatologist about the spot on her back that developed during her pregnancy. I know she says it’s just a “skin tag” that her general practitioner (who saw her on Zoom, by the way) says is “normal,” but the approaching vernal equinox means it’s possibly Cancer.

Capricorn
Your earth-sign alignment is keeping you grounded, while capricious Neptune is on the cusp, so look out for forces trying to destabilize you. Like Bess’s new friend Liz, who invited Bess’s family to rent a ski house with her family next winter. You know a fun way to spend Presidents’ Day weekend? Not staring at an X-ray in some E.R. in the middle of Vermont going, “Can you at least save one of his legs?”

Gemini
With Mars ascendant on the eastern horizon, Gemini is poised to help you exceed expectations and reach new heights of success this month. Just like when Bess’s little brother Will tested out of the math class in his high school and they had to bus him to the local college just so he wouldn’t be bored out of his mind. No matter how hard she tried, Bess never got a math grade higher than A-minus. Which was, to put it diplomatically, generous. ♦

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