Other Admissions in Kristi Noem’s Book

Gov. Kristi Noem of South Dakota on Friday defended a story included in her forthcoming biography in which she describes killing a family dog on their farm, to her daughter’s distress — a grisly anecdote that instantly drew criticism from a number of political opponents. —The New York Times.

Noem’s unprompted admissions do not stop at Cricket’s demise. Here are some additional revelations from the book:

SHE ATE THE VERY LAST OF THE (EXTINCT) PASADENA FRESHWATER SHRIMP.

Page 231: “From South Dakota to D.C., I know how to take decisive action.

In 2019, I had just ordered shrimp scampi at a Rapid City restaurant when the chef approached the table.

‘Governor Noem,’ she said. ‘We have only one shrimp left in the freezer—and it’s the last remaining specimen of the Pasadena-freshwater-shrimp species that went extinct in 1933. Can I interest you in anything else on the menu? Anything at all?’

I looked her in the eye. I licked my lips. I knew what I had to do: I had to eat that eighty-six-year-old shrimp.

I only wished that wirehaired pointer dogs had gone extinct instead. I probably would’ve eaten Cricket if given the chance.”

SHE HIRES ACTORS TO MAKE D.M.V. LINES LONGER.

Page 63: “I’ve never been afraid to take on the hard fights—no matter the personal expense.

In 2013, I went to a D.M.V. in Pierre to renew my driver’s license. I was in and out in fifteen minutes. As I returned to my car, I realized it was too quick, too easy, too pleasant. I wasn’t going to let the D.M.V. run efficiently on my watch.

Ever since, I’ve been paying hundreds of actors to stand in D.M.V. lines. Whenever they get close to the front, they reinsert themselves somewhere in the middle.

Drivers should have to spend the same amount of time at the D.M.V. that I had to spend trying and failing to teach Cricket the art of the pheasant hunt.”

SHE HAS KNOWN FOR YEARS WHERE AMELIA EARHART’S PLANE IS AND JUST WON’T TELL ANYONE.

Page 177: “Of course I know where Amelia Earhart’s plane is. And I’m willing to tell you if you’re getting hotter or colder. But that’s about it.”

NEMO’S MOM WAS SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE IN “FINDING NEMO” UNTIL SHE EDITED IT.

Page 206: “Politics requires creativity—and I’ve got plenty of it.

In 2002, I did a brief stint as a story editor at Pixar Animation Studios. An early draft of ‘Finding Nemo’ landed on my desk. Much like Cricket, the movie had good intentions, but I also kind of hated it. I thought and thought about how to liven it up. And then it hit me.

‘KILL THE FISH,’ I e-mailed the team.

‘Which one?’ a screenwriter replied.

‘ANY OF THEM,’ I wrote back.

‘I’m going to need a name,’ the screenwriter said.

‘O.K.,’ I answered. ‘KILL THE MOM. AND PUT IT AT THE TOP SO IT’S A TOUGH WATCH RIGHT FROM THE GET-GO.’

You know, I’ve never told that story before. It feels good to finally say it.”

SHE COMPOSED THE DEFAULT IPHONE ALARM.

Page 184: “Leadership means finding ways to unite us.

That’s why I marched into Steve Jobs’s office in 2007 and declared, ‘We need to insure that folks everywhere wake up as annoyed as possible. And I’ve got just the jingle to do it.’

I believe that 6:52 A.M. on a Wednesday should sound like class just ended before you could finish the chemistry exam that determines three-quarters of your grade. It should sound like something in your dishwasher is broken and you don’t know what. It should sound like Cricket scraping her ugly nails on a tile floor. (That would be before I shot her.)

I went into the recording studio with a triangle and a vision. And I came out with the default iPhone alarm.”

SHE WANTS TO DUEL THE AFLAC DUCK.

Page 52: “My greatest ambition is to keep serving this great country of ours in elected office. My second-greatest ambition is to duel the Aflac duck.”

IN HER FREE TIME, SHE FEEDS LAXATIVES TO PIGEONS AND THEN SHOOS THEM TOWARD PARKING LOTS.

Page 139: “One of the hidden blessings of politics is that, since you get so little free time, you learn to cherish the downtime that you do get.

After a long day at the state capitol, I like to unwind by tossing a Frisbee with my beautiful kids, strolling around the gravel pit with my sweet husband, or feeding laxatives to pigeons and shooing them toward the nearest parking lot.

If that bothers you, tough luck. You’ll never bully me into not loosening bird bowels over parked cars.”

For more, pick up a copy of Kristi Noem’s book—available wherever dogs are shot. ♦

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