Actually, I Can’t Wait for a Trump-Biden Rematch

You read a lot of stats these days about how seventy per cent of voters don’t want either Donald Trump or Joe Biden to run again, or seventy-five per cent of voters think that both Trump and Biden are too old to be President, or eighty per cent of voters are dreading a Trump-Biden rematch, or eighty-five per cent of voters are wondering how we got here again, or ninety per cent of voters say they intend to cancel their Wi-Fi as the conventions near, or ninety-four per cent of voters will literally gouge their eyes out before watching another Trump-Biden debate, or ninety-eight per cent of voters wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “WHY, GOD, WHY?!” So, with all this doom and gloom, you might be asking: Is anybody looking forward to a Trump-Biden rematch? Yes, someone is—me.

A Trump-Biden rematch will be iconic. To watch the greats (in absolute value) duke it out, yet again? It’s like seeing Ali and Foreman get back into the ring together in 2024. Yeah, Ali is dead, but how different would that make it from this particular political matchup, really?

The 2020 election got a bad rap. People forget, but it was fun. So many great moments—the fly landing on Mike Pence! Taylor Swift endorsing Biden! I randomly got four free months of Apple TV+, which wasn’t technically related to the election but did happen concurrently! So many happy memories.

If anything, a Trump-Biden rematch is going to be even better than the original, for so many reasons. Thanks to global warming, it should be balmier on Election Day. Plus, Mike Pence is out. We’re getting a brand-new series regular—an improvement, by definition. I’m pretty sure the only people in the whole wide world worse than Pence are Elise Stefanik, J. D. Vance, Kari Lake—wait, sorry, I’m reading Trump’s V.P. shortlist. Well, maybe it’ll be Pence again. But how fun was that fly!

A Trump-Biden rematch is a throwback. A chance to text that girl you went on two dates with in August of 2020 and be, like, “LOL, just thinking of you, only because the same two guys are running for President, not because I’m still hung up on our two dates from August 2020.” So cute.

A Trump-Biden rematch is also a chance for a do-over. Not the results (fingers crossed), just the preparation. This time around, we’ll remember to stock the appropriate amount of Xanax, anticipating that the election will take several days to call. Also, we now know to put a shock collar on Trump during debates. I mean, we knew that in 2020, too. But we really know it now.

I once saw a ninety-year-old woman do a headstand in a yoga class. After she came down, she announced that she was running for Mitch McConnell’s Senate seat, and we all cheered and sobbed. Honestly, she might be in the Senate today—I never followed up. A Trump-Biden rematch is like that. It’s inspiring to watch old people do stuff.

And another Trump-Biden race is a way to learn new things. The other day, I Googled “Is it hard to get Canadian citizenship?” And you know what—it is! Who’d have guessed it?

A Trump-Biden rematch is an opportunity to reflect. To look in the mirror. To ask if we could have done anything to stop it, and then realize, no. Actually, none of the bad things in your life are your fault. None of them—not one. That’s comforting.

Because, ultimately, a Trump-Biden rematch is out of our hands. Were there any alternatives? Not really, no, unless you count the Talenti guy, which I don’t. Did I listen to the Ezra Klein podcast about choosing a different nominee at the convention, and then rewatch the episode of “The West Wing” where that almost happens, and whisper quietly to myself, “What if . . .” Sure, once or twice. But we get the candidates we’re assigned—that’s how democracies work. God bless America. I, for one, can’t wait for a Trump-Biden rematch. ♦

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