Man in blue tights, red cape. Confirmed origin: Metropolis.

Man in red clothing, sleigh. Confirmed origin: central Arctic.

Wizard in balloon. Confirmed origin: Oz.

Nanny with umbrella, suitcase. Confirmed origin: London.

Large-eared elephant with mouse. Confirmed origin: circus, U.S.A.

Prophet on flying horselike creature. Confirmed origin: Mecca.

Poet in flaming chariot. Confirmed origin: Sussex, U.K.

Singer flying toward moon. Confirmed origin: Las Vegas.

Adolescents on brooms. Confirmed origin: vo-tech acad., U.K.

Guru in ground-level hover. Confirmed origin: S. California.

Children in pajamas, top hat, nightgown. Confirmed origin: London.

Preadolescent male in green. Confirmed origin: Neverland.

Prophet with flaming chariot, horses. Confirmed origin: Mideast.

Adult male on throw rug. Confirmed origin: metro Baghdad.

Wraiths in white. Confirmed origin: New York Public Library.

Flying black sports-type vehicle. Confirmed origin: Gotham City.

Male with wings on shoes. Confirmed origin: Mt. Olympus, Greece.

Squirrel in aviator goggles. Confirmed origin: Frostbite Falls, Minn.

Undead in cape. Confirmed origin: Caucasus region.

Woman and cat in cauldron. Confirmed origin: near Boston.

Castle in air. Confirmed origin: deep forest, Central Europe.

Beanstalk and giant entering atmosphere. Confirmed origin: England.

Longhorn steers, brands on fire. Confirmed origin: West Texas.
Reported in so-called Area 52, Italian peninsula:

Monk with birds on shoulders. Confirmed origin: Assisi.

Bald friar in brown robe. Confirmed origin: Copertino.

Bodiless female head with halo over Siena. Confirmed origin: Rome.

Magus ascending, descending. Confirmed origin: Rome.
Reported in so-called Area 53, Spain:

Hovering female with halo. Confirmed origin: Ávila.

Female with halo, flying west. Confirmed origin: Ágreda.

Male with halo, ascending to low altitude. Confirmed origin: Loyola.
Additional notes from panel of scientific experts (P.S.E.):

1. Unidentified anomalous phenomena that have been reported include airborne spherical or oblong objects whose origins are directly traceable to human hands, feet, or heads, or to terrestrial objects such as bats, rackets, or flingers employed by humans. These sightings, usually in parks or over stadiums, number in the tens of millions, and we could not attempt to investigate more than a handful of them. It is possible, though unlikely, that one or two of the objects we did not check were of extraterrestrial origin.

2. The phenomena we did check, as per the (partial) list above, give a sense of how crowded and miscellaneous our planet’s skies have become. No international body coördinates who goes up, or when, or how each phenomenon moves about once aloft. When a saint is translated to heaven (to give one example), the public is not alerted, nor are other passersby who might happen into the airspace. There have been many terrifying near-misses of which the media was never informed. The longhorn steers whose brands are on fire belong to the Devil, and the unfortunate cowboys who drive them must do so forever because of the sinful lives they led in dance halls while on cattle drives. As these riders cross the endless sky, they cry, “Yippie-yi-yay! Yippie-yi-oh!,” and sometimes lean down to warn cowboys on Earth against sin so they won’t end up in the same fix. During one such distracted moment on March 21 of this year, the herd got away and came within one hundred feet of colliding with the nanny carrying the suitcase and umbrella. Only a quick adjustment of course on her part averted disaster.

3. Satellites: Mostly they keep to the orbital zones, and there have been no problems so far. When the giant entered the atmosphere—he and the beanstalk were falling, technically, after it had been cut down at the base—he hit a communications satellite and put it out of commission, but the signals were quickly rerouted through a spare unit orbiting nearby.

4. Other concerns: Bear in mind that some of these objects are on fire. If Elijah goes by in his flaming chariot, and his horses’ manes are burning and their hooves are throwing off fiery sparks, there will be the temptation to take a closer look. Don’t! Especially if you’re in a World War I canvas biplane or a hydrogen-filled dirigible. You can see paintings of all the miracles you want in museums at no risk to your life. We want to keep everybody safe. ♦

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *